Panic attack after a night out.
This morning, I was driving home after a night out. Because I’m trying not to drink alcohol for a year, partly because I’m working on myself mentally, I was the designated driver that evening.
The drive home the next day, however, was an emotional rollercoaster. It actually started off really well. I was happy that I had gotten through the night without any real panic attacks.
Except for one moment, when I was standing in an overcrowded hallway leading to the restroom in the bar. Not the smartest or most comfortable place to be. I eventually learned that it’s okay to walk away for a moment and calmly go to the restroom, even if you don’t really need to pee. Just to give myself a break and stop the overwhelming stimuli.
I’ve learned that a trauma, which I believe panic attacks are, gets worse when you feel like you can’t escape. At that moment, I could physically leave, but of course, it feels weird to walk away from your friends without any reason. You can only go to the restroom, for my stupid point of view(!), maybe once every 20 minutes or so, or else it starts to look odd.
Heavy rain as a trigger for the panic attack
Back to the drive home. I was happy and upbeat. I thought I had finally gotten control of the panic attacks by simply returning to my body every time I noticed myself having panic-inducing thoughts, especially negative thoughts where I talk myself into a panic attack and get scared I’ll have one again.
At that moment, I hadn’t had breakfast yet and needed to refuel. So, I stopped at a gas station and also grabbed a sandwich and a cappuccino while paying. I love that.
About half an hour later on the way back, I had a panic attack while driving on the highway that I hadn’t had in a long time. It felt like it lasted forever, but I think it only lasted about 20 seconds in the end. The most intense seconds I’ve had in a long time. I was in the car, with heavy rain pouring down. Everything around me started to look a little blurry, and it seemed like tunnel vision was setting in. My heart was racing, and I wanted to flee.
At that moment, I managed to realize that I needed to “feel,” to be consciously present in my body. But that is easier said than done. I became aware of how hot my body was. Inside, I felt a glow of warmth. My muscles were all tense, and my heart was racing. At first, this made the panic even worse. In fact, you just want to escape from your own body, push it away, and stop thinking about it. So it’s incredibly difficult, almost impossible, to stay present in the physical “pain” you are experiencing.
It is literally an energy of pain that needs to be released.
The only way to release this energy is by consciously focusing on it. No matter how hard it is, it doesn’t go away by thinking about something else. You are only suppressing it. I have learned to accept the “pain” and not push it away anymore. Although I’ve learned this now, I will probably have to keep doing it for it to ever become bearable. I also don’t always succeed. However, I am grateful for this lesson. One day, I know that this will make me more mindful in life, which sometimes is already the case. The panic attacks, therefore, are a kind of training for me to live more consciously in the here and now.